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Doctor Who Live review

Stephen Moffat is polishing his Hugos in Upper Boat. A mobile phone chirrups into life, playing a rendition of the theme tune to hit 90s sitcoms, Chalk.

Moffat: Yes? Oh it’s you BBC Enterprises, what now, you want me to redesign to TARDIS? Only joking. Oh, you do want to me redesign the TARDIS…More toys…Easier to make…Uh-huh. OK, something else you say? A stage show. Well, I can’t possibly. I’m busy actually writing Doctor Who and Sherlock and stuff. Gatiss? No, he’s busy ploughing his Victoriana furrow…well, for the forseeable future I’d say… Chibnall?! Look, I’ll write it, OK? Matt? No, he’s busy in a gay play. Tennant? To soon, we could ask Sylv of course. No, no you’re quite right. Barrowman said it was too broad? Jesus! Gatiss? Er, no. No. Neil out of the Young Ones, sure. The kids will love that. Tell you what else the kids will love…Carnival of Monsters references…yeah, exactly. Monsters come out, prance about a bit, monster walk back, repeat eight times – we can string it all together with Nigel Planer and some pre-recorded bits with Matt. And we’ll get a band to play Murray’s terrible music over some clips of the show we’ve culled from a Confidential. What’s that? Churchill? Gatiss? No. Nick Briggs? Well, he’ll have to be there with his ring modulator anyway, and I expect he’s got his November payment to make. Yeah, it is a bit thin but what at least it’s not The Ultimate Fucking Adventure eh? Oh, I dunno. Twenty quid? You were thinking fifty? And we charge three quid a pop for paper Cybermen masks? Keep talking…