For some reason I decided to watch the TV Movie – mainly as I reckon I’d not seen it this century. Like all ming-mongs do, I decided to go back and watch it, well, because it’s Doctor Who.
Obviously I didn’t watch it without listlessly browsing the internet at the same time, so I live tweeted it. I got a bit of feedback form Hellyer, so there’s the occasional bit of interplay.
However, it’s mainly what I thought of it – what occurred to me at any given time during the 90-odd minutes of running time.
How does it hold up? Well, very very badly is the answer. Praise the Lord that there wasn’t a resulting series, because if you’ve seen the calvacade of dross produced by various writers employed by Philip Segal it will have you running into the arms of Chris Chibnall.
Incidentally, Philip Segal’s role is an interesting one to ponder at this time. Even though some of instincts were correct and others woefully off-kilter thanks to years – at a guess – of working on dross like SeaQuest DSV, it’s fairly clear that he was pretty much the only one looking out for Doctor Who and believing in the series in those wilderness years. I’d buy him a beer.
What works? Well, McGann has some good moments, as does Eric Roberts. Geoffrey Sax has some deft touches too and Mathew Jacobs manages to salvage a few nice lines from the group-thunk nonsense that was left after the BBC, Amblin, Fox, Universal, ABC, NBC, WWE, WCW, NASA, BNFL, ITV and Gary Frigging Russell had their way with it.
Overall, however, I think Daphne Ashbrook does best in the TVM. No doubt Big Finish will be commissioning a 400-disc box set written, produced, scored, directed and staring Barnaby Edwards and Nick Briggs soon. And I might even listen to one or two.
Caves and Twins – the TVM
I’m watching the TV Movie. What can possibly go wrong? It’s a request my brother should never have granted.
THAT MUSIC’S FUCKING AWFUL #TVM
Who sniffs a Jelly Baby before eating it? And with a cup of tea?
The bit where Sylv is frantically pushing TARDIS buttons console is so good it made up most of the TV trails for the TVM. And little else
Ah, a gun fight between San Francisco triads. If that doesn’t scream ‘Doctor Who’ I don’t know what does
Why – apart form idiotic exposition and ‘injured’ acting would the Doctor be saying ‘timing malfunction to a hoodlum he’s only just met?
That’s a lovely introduction for Grace, though. Wonderful cleavage too.
‘I need a beryllium atomic clock!’ Uh-huh. I know this is inviting scoff, but Sylv is absolutely terrible in this. Is he even acting?
That scream is pretty amusing though. All Docs should do that just before they regenerate. #tvm
Surely Bruce the ambulance driver should have been called Seth Terma or something? #tvm
Will Sasso being a comedy fattie. Actually bits of this are OK. Oh, Frankenstein – is there a really subtle metaphor I’ve missed here? #tvm
Walking down the corridor humming Puccini is nice – and the mirrors in the old wing of the hospital. But Who Am Argh! is crap #tvm
Lee going through the Doc’s belongings is nice. And someone is going to a fancy dress party as Tom Baker? #tvm
Great murder by The Master. They should have played is Dudley Simpson leitmotif though #tvm
Ah, the American health system. Evil through and through. This would never happen under Obamacare #tvm
@james_hellyer [Eric Roberts] gets it in the same way that Graham Crowden and Paul Darrow did
I really hate the thing about the Doctor knowing everyone’s future and/or their deepest desires. He just comes across as a sex pest #tvm
And now it looks like he’s trying to take his trousers off in the back of Grace’s car #tvm
Grace Holloway drives a Range Rover. And Bruce owns a pair of aviators and a massive leather trench coat #tvm
The nurse doesn’t see anything odd about Bruce peeling off his finger nail and flicking it onto her work? Ridiculous #tvm
I also hate it that the Doctor goes around moodying famous figures from history, like some desperate time-travelling starfucker #tvm
Murray Gold must have been taking notes when watching this. Bad ‘magical’ Hollywood-lite music #tvm
McGann’s really short. #tvm
I really dislike that ‘these shoes fit perfectly’ stuff. It just comes across as try-hard kookiness. #tvm
Why would Lee be bothered about who Genghis Khan was? Or this weird backstory The Master concocts? Didn’t he just threaten to kill him? #tvm
Well, at least the cloister room doesn’t have a fucking pterodactyl or vortisaur in it #tvm
Oh dear, the plot’s kicking in. Things are about to take a turn for the worst. #tvm
So, TARDISes are designed to open their power source when a human eye looks into a blinding beam of light hidden beneath a staff? #tvm
How long was the Doc kissing Grace for? Why did he remember who he was or know the Master’s plans? ACK! The crippling exposition! #tvm
The Doctor drinks tea. BECAUSE HE”S BRITISH. #tvm
Midnight huh? Neat dramatic coincidence. ‘By 4.37pm next Friday this planet will be pulled inside out’ #tvm
‘…always seeing patterns in things that aren’t there’. The Eighth Doctor is obviously a climate-change denier with that comment #tvm
Eric Roberts is great in that bit I’ll give him that. The transference line and ‘I don’t like it!’ – Ainley would’ve done it better tho #tvm
All of the bike cop bit is quite well done by all concerned too. “He’s British” explains everything. #tvm
I prefer the ambulance chase in Spearhead From Space. And the bit where the Doc is strapped to a table in Mark of the Rani #tvm
I finally meet the right guy and he’s from another planet? Where on Earth did that come from? Apart from a different draft. #tvm
The constant supply of coincidences is surely a record – the clock; the guest list, the ambulance – even in Doctor Who #tvm
They tell cock jokes on Gallifrey? Quite a good line though. That professor dude looks like a paedophile #tvm
The Master has jizzed on those security guards? ‘Liven things up’ is another Doctorish thing though. #tvm
Phew. It’s one of those ‘slow release’ fire hoses. Thanks God for that. #tvm
The universe hangs by such a delicate thread of coincidences. That’s a stroke of fucking luck, eh Doc? #tvm
That’s a really crapulous Scooby Doo bit of throwaway, desperate attempted humour. The pseudoscience bit quite good tho #thebikebit #tvm
‘are you any good at setting alarm clocks?’ Eh? Scary black-eyed Grace is good though. #tvm
Yes, I can’t see anything wrong with buddying up with this green-eyed, possessing, sadomasochistic pervert #tvm
Bit of a design flaw, that. #onlyhumanscanopengallifreyantimecapsules #tvm
There’s some nice directorial touches here by Geoffrey ‘Tenor’ Sax in the back-and-forth between the Master and Doctor #tvm
Lucky Grace know how’s to rewire a time machine #tvm
McGann sounds a bit like Colin Baker there. Wouldn’t it have been fun if he’d been recast? #tvm
It would’ve been great if Pertwee / Delgado or Davison / Ainley had had a punch-up #tvm
[replying to Hellyer’s observation that the Doctor doesn’t try too hard to rescue the Master form the Eye of Harmony] Yeah, his hearts aren’t in that. At least he doesn’t cry like Captain Emo #tvm
Be great if the TARDIS brought back the Master as well. Big fat reset switch. Better get used to it. #tvm
That punch of the TARDIS console is McGann’s best moment #tvm
The music swell, the fireworks, the kiss. I expect it rankles because I’m a sad fanboy who’s never had sex, rather than it being shit. #tvm
Oh no, not again. Well, quite. Chances are I’ll never watch that again. #tvm