Probic Vent Ood For Thought


Those Doctor Who deaths in full

So, Steven Moffat has been busy teasing the new series of Doctor Who with the claim that someone among the main cast will kark it bigstyle. Ooh! Who will it be?

Well, if the previous six years are anything to go by, it won't be anyone. So often has death been teased, both within the show and by production members, that it's turned into the boy who cried Bad Wolf.

I don't see this is the innocent bit of fun it might otherwise be portrayed as, because every time someone says 'X is definitely going to die' then gets out of it with a silly swerve or bit of magic fairy dust it rather damages the credibility of the show.

Which is why Iraise a bit of an eyebrow at Moffat's claims this time. What's it going to be? River Song regenerates? The Doctor dies but is brought back to life by Amy's lust monster? Rory dies but becomes a Yeti? Amy 'dies' because she's technically listed as 'dead' in some official sodding records?

I suspect this time one of the four main cast is about to shuffle off their mortal coil, with no cheats or comebacks. But even that will be reduced by the many, many 'dies and then comes back to life' or 'doesn't die in first place' tricks the show has pulled on us of late.

Think I'm overdoing it? Well have a butchers at the list below. You'll die laughing. Or not.

Doctor Who undead list

Season 1
Jack gets exterminated
Result: Didn't die

Season 2
"This is the story of how I died"
Result: Didn't die

Season 3
Electrocuted. Dies
Result: Doesn't die

Season 3
Shot. Dies
Result: Doesn't die

Season 3
The Master
Refuses to regenerate. Dies.
Result: Doesn't die

Xmas special
Falls down liftshaft, or something. Dies
Result: Doesn't die

Season 4
The Doctor
Massive regeneration tease: "I'm regenerating!"
Result: Didn't regenerate

Season 4
"There's something on your back" "I'm sorry, you're going to die"
Result: Didn't die

Season 5
Zapped by old woman's breath. Dies.
Result: didn't die.

Season 5
Shot by Silurians, dies
Result: Didn't die

Season 5
Shot by Auton Rory, dies
Result: Didn't die

Season 5
The Doctor
Gets exterminated. Dies. Dies in some sort of sun + end of universe + beginning of time cataclysm
Result: Didn't die

You can have The Daleks too, since the very last Dalek seems to die every single story they're in, although that always seemed to be true of the Master and the Daleks in the good old days too.

Hat-tip: Hellyer


Caves and Twins: The Stolen Earth and Journey’s End

Showing RTD knocking one out for 90 minutes may have been slightly less indulgent than The Stolen Earth and the second parter, which is no doubt called the Impossible Everything Apocalypse or something (I checked, it's called Journey's End).

By this time the new series was feeling very tired, and a crying out for a new broom. But RTD had other ideas. One last big wank. Until The End of Time.



Cribbins - Brilliant as always, his webcam line is the highlight of the first episode

Julian Bleach - Davros is a real success in this. Lunatic, screaming mania – but done with real conviction

Jack - When not playing some sort of weary, ageless, lonely but stupidly horny demi-God, Jack is an enjoyable character played with evident relish by Barrowman.

Dalek invasion - A few of the invasion scenes were quite good, certainly considering how weak the New Series had previously done the Earth invasion stuff.

Donna - Tate surprised me by how good she was, when she's not being written as a complete shouty twat.


The Daleks - Totally neutered by now, the Daleks in the new series have been a case of diminishing returns. Every appearance seems to be bigger and more outlandish than before; with the result that the only feeling they inspire now is apathy.

Regeneration tease - Perhaps the fourth, fifth or sixth time someone was about to die in the series and then just... didn't. Talk about writing yourself into a corner; the worst thing was no-one in their right mind believed it in the first place. Also sets up the ridiculous two Doctors, then three Doctors, then Donna dies (but doesn't) drivel later on.

The gates of Elysium...the Nightmare Child... - Oh do fuck off. All of this drivel is genuinely hard to listen to, especially when it's always delivered with Tennant's tight-lipped spittle-drenched shouting.

Rose - Rose's long-suspected but little-desired return is a predictably tedious, self-absorbed affair, but it's really not helped by Piper's quite weird, lisping appearance.

Sarah-Jane - Seems out-of-place and quite annoying here. Lis Sladen's frightened acting is just awful. Only her very brief dialogue with Davros makes any sense.

Harriet Jones - Who gives a fuck?

Close up of man saying 'Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war - Utter shit

Dalek Caan - Embarrassing

Martha - Pains me to say as it, as she's rarely helped by scripts, but Freema has one of her weaker episodes, and it shows her up alongside the others.

Jackie - I'd've preferred it if Bruno Langley had come back.

Murray Gold - terrible, terrible, terrible

An absolute car crash. It's totally incoherent; at no stage does it make even the remotest sense; fan-wank is piled on in such proportions that even fan-fic authors would baulk.

There's some kind of weird 'you know it's wrong' pleasure to seeing such a hodge-podge play out on screen, with everything imaginable thrown at the wall. Jelly, cream, chocolate, jam, vodka, Red Bull and heroin – but mainly cheese.

A very few crumbs stick, but if this wasn't evidence that RTD had run out of juice by now, I don't know what was.

• Caves and Twins? What are you dribbling on about?

Go here: Caves and Twins

Hush child stop addlepating me!

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