"A chain of circumstances that fragments the law that holds the universe together."
The Twelfth Doctor, we're told, is moody, rude, aggressive, offhand - cruel even. Think so? Consider Logopolis. The Fourth Doctor is moping around, getting obsessed with things that aren't obviously important. He's like a Dad in a loft, shed or cellar in search of something to do; fighting middle-age with all the enthusiasm of a sloth. He shouts at his companions, he makes a joke to Tegan about her dead Aunt and then consoles here with an absent-minded pat on the back. The Season 18 Doctor might just be a genuine madman in a box; he's dangerous but there's no sense of fun or the faux-childish sulking his other incarnations indulge in. He broods and glums around the place, his only humour is cruel. Put simply, Peter Capaldi has nothing on Series 18 Tom Baker.
Of course, by this point the end of Tom and start of the Doctor is increasingly blurred. And Tom is no longer infectious, fun – a mad, impossible uncle with a smile on his face, sweets in his pocket, secrets. He's the scary relative who smells of stale fags, glowers in sullen silence and might suddenly bark at you to shut up if you bother him.
And just as The Doctor perceives the end approaching, so does Tom. We know that many Doctors found the end of their tenure wounding – Tom's dismay is there on screen for all to see. It's the most remarkable coming together of art and real life: both of our heroes sadly playing out their last moves and contemplating the end of life as they've known it.
Tom looks ancient in Logopolis, illness and years of hard living finally catching up with him. His cheeks are sunken, he stoops and his hair has lost it curl: it's Samsonian, the most incredible metaphor for a man whose incredible powers seem to have deserted him. He is shrouded, wreathed, swaddled in that enormous burgundy coat that speaks not of a buccaneer, eccentric or bohemian but an elderly wizard. It serves to accentuate how thin he is, rather than adding to his imposing stature. He's like Casanova living out the last of his years in a freezing, lonely exile in Bohemia – banished from Venice and salad days. When Tom takes over from Pertwee he's a young man; by the end he's lying underneath the Pharos telescope he looks tired, defeated.
Tom, The Doctor, has seemed out of sorts all season, shedding the two companions that continued to root the show in silliness and whimsy and gaining an annoying manchild, who he appears to detest. Gone are the welcoming honks and flourishes of Dudley Simpson; instead the cold, metallic bleeps and stings of the Radiophonic Workshop. In Logopolis the incidental music feels funereal, downbeat – speaking only of doom. It's overcast all the time, as if even the elements are coming out in sympathy; most of the outdoor scenes are clearly lit artificially as the crew are losing the light. More metaphors; more context. Whatever John Nathan-Turner's faults, he ensures everything is pointing in the same direction in Season 18: the season of entropy, decay and death.
There's something else though. The Fourth Doctor is withdrawn, sullen and paranoid – suddenly detouring into odd flights of fancy. He wants to measure the TARDIS all of a sudden, something that has never bothered him before. And to do this he has to stop off at the Watford Gap and measure an actual police box? What? For all of Bidmead's high concepts and supposed grounding in science, much of Logopolis is simply gibberish.
His plan to 'flush out' The Master by materialising the TARDIS underwater is the worst plan since wheeling the big wooden horse into Troy and going for an early night. Let's just parse what would happen, had the Doctor's plan of landing at the bottom of the Thames and opening the doors not been foiled by landing on a barge: the force of the water would immediately have crushed he and Adric to death.
If they survived the torrent of millions of gallons of water then they would undoubtedly have drowned or died from hypothermia. This also assumes that the Master couldn't simply have closed a bulkhead or got into his own TARDIS. It also assumes that opening a trans-dimensional craft underwater wouldn't have simply drained the Thames.
It suggests nothing less than the Doctor actually losing his mind in Logopolis; driven to his wits' end by foreknowledge of his impending death. He sees - and recognises - The Watcher early on and carries the knowledge that death is literally stalking him throughout the rest of the story. Not only that, it's suggested that the Watcher tells the Doctor to go to Logopolis, knowing he has the Master aboard the TARDIS. Does the Doctor simply accept that this is how it is? The Doctor's fall from the Pharos project telescope very much begs the question as whether the Doctor falls or chooses to let go. Does the Fourth Doctor choose to die?
The Watcher is a curio. As a youngster I was scared beyond all reckoning by mysterious, silent and notionally evil beings in everyday situations. The Tall Thin Man from The Boy In Space and The Watcher haunted my dreams as a child - in Logopolis we're given every reason to believe he's either The Master. In many ways he's more frightening - death in physical form. Where the Tenth Doctor moans about another man with a different face walking away afterwards, the Fourth has to spend Logopolis coming face-to-face with that man; the man who will take away everything that he has become, erase him, replace him.
While The Doctor is coming to the end of his life, The Master is reborn. Logopolis is our first meaningful introduction to The Master, inhabiting his new body. And while Anthony Ainley is dressed to resemble Roger Delgado, this is a very different sort of Master.
Whereas the Timelord we know from the Pertwee era gives the impression that he enjoys mischief, or besting the Doctor, the Ainley incarnation revels in evil. His gentle laugh, ringing throughout the Cloister Room, is a thing of wonder and his make-up hints that there's something physically wrong with him. "You look so cold," says Nyssa, mistaking him for her father and noting his alabaster skin.
Already there's a sense that there's something unstable - both physically and mentally - about this new Master. And that makes him all the more disturbing. It's not long before the Doctor realises that, far from the gentleman criminal or co-dependent emo he will be another incarnations, this Master is completely insane - and he's genuinely horrified; his sometime friend and nemesis has actually lost his mind.
Not to be reasoned with or indulged; no deals to be done - it doesn't matter that this incarnation is just as inept, he'll pursue his unhinged plans regardless. In Logopolis - and for much of the next ten years - the Master is a genuine psychopath that is actually intent on killing the Doctor, rather than defeating him intellectually. If the Doctor is depressed in Logopolis, the Master is maniacal - as if both are experiencing the outliers of a clinical depression.
In Logopolis the Master attempts to hold the universe to ransom by threatening it with total destruction and allows a few galaxies to collapse just to get the universe's attention. The end of the universe; the saving of the universe - you have to hand it to Bidmead. His vision of a Doctor Who where mathematician monks hold the universe together by incanting code is as high-concept as television science-fiction gets and actually a rather beautiful notion. As entropy increases in the universe - a closed system - the Logopolitans open up conduits to other universes. And in the meantime they chant; a life-support system for the universe. It's extraordinary, elegiac metaphysical nonsense.
The problem is, it's not especially interesting beyond the concept - and Logopolis struggles to show us why we should care, offering up only a tantalising shot of a city that looks like a brain, and some matte shots of many Logopolitans at their workstations, providing Tegan with her only notable line of the entire story.
Where Bidmead get it so very right, however, is in the demonstration of recursion, as the Doctor and Adric enter one TARDIS after another - Grimwade showing darker, more threatening iteration of the capsule after another with some wonderful lighting and shooting angles. Suddenly the TARDIS is alien and frightening - a great way of undermining something familiar and turning it against our heroes.
It's this section that caught my imagination as a youngster and, unlike Block Transfer Computation it does not disappoint on screen - we may not even understand why but we can tell that something has gone very wrong. What's more, the miniaturisation of the TARDIS due to some faulty code nicely prefaces the Master's plan - all it would take is a humble assistant to wipe a few star systems out of the sky.
Despite Season 18's reputation, Logopolis is not totally without humour: The sideways glance between Adric and The Doctor as Tegan dashes into the console room and some of the banter between the Timelord and his Alzarian companion, not to mention his rejoinder to the air hostess' query as to whether he's met Auntie Vanessa: "Well, a little of her...".
In retrospect we can look at Logopolis - and much of Season 18 - and view it simply as very odd, inept in various ways and depressingly po-faced. We can mourn for the fun and gentle whimsy - or the grand guignol horror - of past seasons; Tom in his heyday. But in the context of 1981, Logopolis must have been fairly extraordinary. The tonal shift, some of the directorial flourishes of Peter Grimwade, muted acting and haunting electronic music make it an incredibly different proposition to what had gone a mere eight months before - simply compare it to City of Death, barely a year earlier. Come to that, has there ever been anything like it on television since, especially at 5.30pm on a Saturday night?
It also makes no sense whatsoever, however, as if the Logopolitans' incantations are holding the story together by a thread. I've probably watched Tom's swansong 20 times and I couldn't explain why there's a perfect recreation of the Pharos Project on Logopolis, why the Doctor needs to measure a police box, how CVEs work - or why it's so important for Tegan to get to Heathrow.
Ah, Tegan. Barely a word that comes out of the Aussie air hostess' lips is not directly connected to air travel. When she arrives on the TARDIS she is scarcely surprised and tried to broadcast a message to the pilot, somehow rationalising that she's on a flipping aeroplane. Janet Fielding is pretty heroic spouting some of the worst dialogue you'll hear in Doctor Who, but Tegan is a wholly unlovable and pointless character, created solely to wheedle co-production cash out of Aussie networks.
Nyssa, meanwhile, is a companion created - wholly illogically - to smooth the transition from one Doctor to the next. On that basis we might as well have had Consul Katura. There is virtually nothing to say about Nyssa, other than to ponder whether Sarah Sutton is the worst actor to grace the series. The effect on Tom seems deleterious and the promo shot of his standing with Sutton and Fielding, both wearing huge smiles while he looks bewildered and disheveled, a man out of time, is sad to see.
At the end of it we've got a chaotic jumble of recurring characters, the end of the universe, an iconic villain in a new body; a big swerve as the identity of a mysterious character; a bypass on an A-road, sums, the Thames; a shrunken Doctor, an old Doctor, a new Doctor. It's an incoherent season - and incarnation's - finale that's baffling and illogical: in lots of ways, Logopolis has a huge amount in common with the end-of-season spectaculars of later years.
The strong after-image, though, is of Tom Baker and the Fourth Doctor. Arguably the series never quite recovered from the defenestration of its most successful leading man - and it seemed to finish Tom as an actor, remaining perpetually mournful, downbeat and solemn in virtually any television role over the next 20 years. Both parties were diminished in the aftermath but Doctor Who went on to Longleat, the Death Zone, Radio Times front pages and plenty of column inches.
Following Logopolis Tom withdrew from the series, and seemingly from public life, eschewing the opportunity of reprising the role for almost 30 years, barring a 60-second interlude for charitable purposes. He dispensed, forever, with the hair that was his trademark; the look that ensured he was beloved of children and parents, gone with the role that opened doors both professionally and personally. Logopolis is the end of all of it for him - and he looks shattered by the experience.
Again, the similarity between the situation both man and character find themselves in is impossible to ignore. Perhaps more than any other incarnation – or any other actor – this is a Doctor that truly didn't want to go.
Buck up, and give me some attitude
All season I have cried out for this. Do something different. Change the record. Rewrite the rules. And I don't mean create female Doctor. That's the most boring thing you could do, in desperate search of something interesting. Do something new: don't bring someone back to life; don't have love save the day; don't rely on a tired revelation.
I'll overlook the female Master thing because, frankly, that isn't very interesting. In fact it's the most obvious thing you could have done. Do something people didn't expect and can't figure out. Do The Power of the Daleks; Spearhead From Space; Genesis of the Daleks; City of Death; Warrior's Gate; Enlightenment; Revelation of the Daleks; The Happiness Patrol; Ghost Light; The End of the World; Waters of Mars; The Eleventh Hour; Deep Breath. The New Adventures.
Right now, I don't know what's going on. Neither does the Doctor; neither does Clara. That's how I want things to stay. I don't want a reset button that sets up a cosy Christmas special. I want ramifications; causality. I want this to mean something. No death cheats. No bait-and-switch. No tricksiness. None of that Sherlock bullshit. Dark Water has to be the moment that everything changes. A break from RTD and Moffat when people die and come back to life, the universe is rebooted, the baddies consigned to some ethereal netherworld that didn't previously exist.
Don't cheat me. Don't lie to me.
In the same way that Clara is frustrated with the Doctor, I'm frustrated with the Doctor. He has lied to me again and again - and tried to pass it off with a cheeky line, a self-reflexive remark.
Dark Water has promised me all of these things. A great Doctor in Capaldi. An intriguing set-up in Heaven and Hell. Cybermen. The Master. Death and the lack of it. Frankly, I'm not sure whether this is suitable for Doctor Who's viewership, but I asked for it, so I can't complain that I'm getting it.
An interlude. Here are the things that are boring, predictable and crap about Dark Water:
• Missy being The Master. This was the least interesting and most predictable of the 'who is Missy?' options.
• Missy kissing the Doctor and being flirtatious. Like every Timelord thing since the reboot. To not have a Timelord behave in this manner would frankly be much more interesting.
• The Cybermen. They haven't been any good since The Tenth Planet. 48 years ago. Nothing about Dark Water thus far suggests that will change.
• The Cybermen stomping around. This has never been good and the prospect of the Cybermen stepping noiselessly from their tanks is the most interesting thing Moffat could have done with them. Not recognising that is frankly embarrassing.
• Murray Gold's Cyberman leitmotif. Appalling for fully eight years. Using it here is as insane as using Space Adventure from Tomb of the Cybermen in Revenge of the Cybermen or the Dudley Simpson's wobbly synthesiser Master motif in Keeper of Traken. Stop it, for God's sake. Boring, unimaginative, idiotic and not any good whatsoever.
• I suspect Moffat is buying time on the 'female Doctor' debate with this move. I find it instructive that Moffat is making all the right noises on this without actually doing anything about it. And the fact that we now have Capaldi as a Doctor and a definite shift in the character's, well, character without the series changing one whit suggests to me that changing the Doctor's gender would be as meaningless in terms of what it did for the series as I always suspected. I've seen RTD putting a tick next to the female Doctor thing recently. Again, I'd note that not only did he not do it, he dismissed the idea when he was in charge. The actions of both showrunners indicate that they can't square the idea themselves but don't have the courage to elucidate why. My suggestion is that they recognise as a fundamentally naff idea; not only is it superficially popular but it's an idea that's been around for decades. Doctor Who needs a tonal shift, not a reskin.
• Danny Pink. I still don't care. And if he comes back to life - regardless of what is explained in this episode - it's an automatic five points off in whatever mark I give it on Gallifrey Base.
Virtually every series of Doctor Who has promised change in this way since it returned. It's OK Corral time; the series' very own Trenzalore. It cannot bear any more dishonesty. If this is where we're going, this is where we're going.
Moffat has dangled the biggest bait we've ever seen in Doctor Who. And I'm not sure I like the direction it appears to be going. But it's too late to have regrets. A bold new future, an afterlife, a path we'd never considered has been opened up. It's frightening, new, possibly inappropriate.
But it's new. And new is what Doctor Who needs. Seize the day, Steven.