Caves and Twins: The Impossible Astronaut
It would be dark, they said. SOmeone would definitely, definitely die, they said. River Song is in it, they said. The Silence will make grown men shit themselves, they said.
So, was The Impossible Astronaut any good or was it as fucking abysmal as every RTD opening episode ever?
Caves
The regulars were OK.
The Silence. They get a pass for now - monsters wearing suits always do - but they're a tad 'Moffatt greatest hits'.
Murray Gold's music was not annoying. Beyond that, it was actually quite intriguing at times. Thanks fuck.
Twins
No Nick Courtney tribute. I understand that two on-screen tributes might start to look excessive, and Lis Sladen's death would have had far more resonance with younger fans but, really, this left a sour taste from the get-go for me.
Death. I've talked before about the dramatic impact - or otherwise - of having regulars dying and not dying. In light of the real-life deaths of Nick Courtney and, particularly, Lis Sladen I wonder how this sort of thing affects youngsters. Is it wise to portray death as something that doesn't really happen? Whatever the case, all the monkeying around with characters dying and not dying and being reborn felt rather sour in light of the previous week's events.
Pacing. All over the shop. Stop-start, like a car in a traffic jam.
Plot. Time travel weirdness and confusion and too many elements.
River Song. Used sparingly, River could have been quite interesting, but she's got dragged down in some tedious, portentous storyline that has even The Doctor baffled as to whether he thinks she's a charming sexpot or death on legs.
Timey wimey. Boring oring. Stop it, already.
Patented wackiness. And to think this was even mocked in last year's Dreamlord episode.
Overall, a pass. But this was confusing and felt over-familiar and too busy. Maybe it needs the second part to make more sense.
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RIP Lis Sladen
I don't known if I've ever been quite so stunned by the death of someone I'd never met as when I discovered that Lis Sladen had died.
I simply couldn't believe it. Literally. Surely an error? Cancer? But she was in the Sarah Jane Adventures just six months ago, with a new series on the way?
And Lis looked so young. Quite extraordinarily so. How was this possible?
But it was. I haven't seen anyone in fandom claim to have had knowledge of Sladen's illness. In a lovely tribute on his website, Tom remarks that he didn't even know she was ill – and they always seemed so fond of one another.
Of course I was saddened by Nick Courtney's death – everyone in the Doctor Who world felt his loss keenly; such a lovely man and a good friend of the programme and its wider world.
Lis too, but Nick was in his eighties and it was generally known that his health was failing. He was an old man. Lis was, in this day and age, not old – nor did we anticipate her death.
There is, perhaps, something more to it. Her recent television appearances and new-found fame meant Lis Laden, more than anyone, had a foot in both camps – classic series and new. She was as familiar to a generation of parents in the modern day as much as their children.
Both will feel the loss in different ways; adults finding a small part of their youth is gone and youngsters recognising that one of their current television heroes is gone.
To play the same character for a decade is rare these days. Not even any of the Doctors have been playing their own roles for as long as Lis Sladen played Sarah Jane Smith – a strong character brought to life by Lis Sladen, to the extent that the character, and and actress, were regulars on the most popular TV channel in the UK for over 35 years.
Goodbye Sarah. Goodbye Lis.
Those Doctor Who deaths in full
So, Steven Moffat has been busy teasing the new series of Doctor Who with the claim that someone among the main cast will kark it bigstyle. Ooh! Who will it be?
Well, if the previous six years are anything to go by, it won't be anyone. So often has death been teased, both within the show and by production members, that it's turned into the boy who cried Bad Wolf.
I don't see this is the innocent bit of fun it might otherwise be portrayed as, because every time someone says 'X is definitely going to die' then gets out of it with a silly swerve or bit of magic fairy dust it rather damages the credibility of the show.
Which is why Iraise a bit of an eyebrow at Moffat's claims this time. What's it going to be? River Song regenerates? The Doctor dies but is brought back to life by Amy's lust monster? Rory dies but becomes a Yeti? Amy 'dies' because she's technically listed as 'dead' in some official sodding records?
I suspect this time one of the four main cast is about to shuffle off their mortal coil, with no cheats or comebacks. But even that will be reduced by the many, many 'dies and then comes back to life' or 'doesn't die in first place' tricks the show has pulled on us of late.
Think I'm overdoing it? Well have a butchers at the list below. You'll die laughing. Or not.
Doctor Who undead list
Season 1
Jack
Jack gets exterminated
Result: Didn't die
Season 2
Rose
"This is the story of how I died"
Result: Didn't die
Season 3
Jack
Electrocuted. Dies
Result: Doesn't die
Season 3
Jack
Shot. Dies
Result: Doesn't die
Season 3
The Master
Refuses to regenerate. Dies.
Result: Doesn't die
Xmas special
Astrid
Falls down liftshaft, or something. Dies
Result: Doesn't die
Season 4
The Doctor
Massive regeneration tease: "I'm regenerating!"
Result: Didn't regenerate
Season 4
Donna
"There's something on your back" "I'm sorry, you're going to die"
Result: Didn't die
Season 5
Rory
Zapped by old woman's breath. Dies.
Result: didn't die.
Season 5
Rory
Shot by Silurians, dies
Result: Didn't die
Season 5
Amy
Shot by Auton Rory, dies
Result: Didn't die
Season 5
The Doctor
Gets exterminated. Dies. Dies in some sort of sun + end of universe + beginning of time cataclysm
Result: Didn't die
You can have The Daleks too, since the very last Dalek seems to die every single story they're in, although that always seemed to be true of the Master and the Daleks in the good old days too.
Hat-tip: Hellyer
Caves and Twins: Rose
Russell T Davies, not a man given to modesty, remarked recently how he'd dug out Rose - the story that relaunched Doctor Who in 2005 - and rewatched it for the first time in years.
He had feared that it would not look that impressive but, blow him down with a feather, it was wonderful and funny and clever and lovely!
Was it? I don't think I've rewatched Rose since 2005 either but it was on the telly the other night. I loathed Rose at the time and was not keen to rewatch it either, but I thought I'd give it the RTD test.
Rose is a funny one, because a couple of years before it hit the screen I'd mused that a rebooted series could do a lot worse than a rehash of something like Spearhead From Space. Fast, simple, scary. Maybe RTD had the same thought, or maybe he just wanted an established monster with a neat set-up that could frame a knockabout story and act as a bone thrown to fans.
Whatever the case, I nearly went upstairs and burned my copy of Doctor Who - The Unfolding Text afterwards, back in March 2005. Weirdly enough, I loved The End of the World the next week and got back into the swing of it.
So, what did I make of Rose on a repeat viewing. Was it Spearhead From Space or was it, well, Rose? I was eating a bowl of soup at the time so simply jotted down these thoughts on what was playing out on sceen.
The start
That's not the theme tune!
Titles are OK tho- OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE THOSE AWFUL FONTS!
Terrible bontempi Randall and Hopkirk (Rebooted) music to start
Micky established as complete arse by eating a sandwich in a funny way at Rose
Rose doesn't like her job
Ponderous shots of Billie in lift
I can pinpoint the exact Graeme Norton moment here
The next bit
Thankfully music drops off but there's no spooky music in place when the Autons threaten Rose, unless it's a Harry Potter/Midsomer Murders interpretation
"Run!" Good opening line for the new Doc but the dreaded music kicks in again.
Eccleston ponders two more seasons of this shit
Beans on toast - there's a meme we'll be seeing a lot of over the next five years
"Run for your life!" - like that bit
The inescapable music is almost like a soundbed, chuntering away underneath a 14-year old Radio 1 Newsbeat presenter
Moments of Rose just standing around while she waits for a bomb to go off, like a startled cat working out what to do next following a loud noise
Really bad SFX of the burning building - remember reading Bonnie Greer on the Newsnight Review commenting on how cheap it looked. This is what she was thinking of. It was also at the point that, allegedly, a flaming sofa nearly killed a harmless Welsh pedestrian.
Trademark 'people running around, wacky camera' thing that's a constant of Nu Doctor Who that renders any action sequences instantly laughable
The first proper introduction to two really annoying characters - Micky and Jackie.
Thoughts at this point
Fast. Really fast. But like a Big Mac and strawberry milkshake. Empty calories that leave with a sugar rush and subsequent crash - all headache and nausea and guilt.
It's not frightening. Almost everything is played for laughs. It's no coincidence that Moffatt's were best received for years. His episodes were scary.
RTD makes another mistake. He mistakes not being too scary with 'not taking itself seriously'. So any potentially scary moments are full of mugging or people laughing or silly sound effects or silly music.
For a long time Doctor Who was very careful to be the show that was aimed at children but didn't patronise them. At times during the RTD era - Rose for example - it blundered way over that line in a way that's often hard to watch. Seriously, what age group is this aimed at?
Is stuff like Rose a deliberate kick against the po-faced US sci-fi dramas of the time? With a liberal sprinkling of Joss Whedon through a British kitchen sink lens.
Chav culture references embed this firmly in the mid 00s and already serve to make the programme feel dated.
Rose's flat
We get a Yeti in a toilet in Tooting Bec moment that turns out to be Ecclestone in a tower block peering through a catflap. If I were Ian Levine I'd probably assume this was a cast iron reference to Survival.
Jackie quickly established as a slag and the Doctor as asexual. Pity it didn't last.
Gay and alien. Heat. Little Britain. 2005.
An ears comment. I once caught sight of Eccleston's email address - it had the element 'MrPunch' in it. Nice.
Regeneration trauma?
Eccles mugging just wrong; he looks unhappy doing it.
Why does Rose ignore what's going on right in front of her when the Doctor is being attacked by the Auton hand?
Early bit of squirming about between Doc and companion on the floor.
Outside the flat
"See ya" "Hello!" "Sort of, yeah" - do these lines even sound good on paper?
Running and bad music - one of a number of traits that could have formed a mission statement for the next five years.
Eat chips, goto bed and watch telly - another one to get familiar with.
Peter Moffat-esque long shot from Boak.
Earth revolving. Bad but well played by Eccleston - his Doctor remains one that was difficult to pin down.
The Clive bit
Internet bit well played - we nearly get a moment of dramatic tension.
"She's a she" - heh.
Mark Benton playing himself again - is he an Ian Levine cipher?
Appalling Photoshop on Kennedy pic.
Nice speech from Benton.
Wheelie bin = nice idea in promising a set up (plastic=death!) that has remained frustratingly unexplored.
The burp is the TV equivalent of shovelling e-numbers down a kids throat.
Bad bad bad CGI.
Why doesn't Rose notice that her BF looks like Theo Walcott, only knows one word and inexplicably drives his car all over the road?
Restaurant
Things almost get a little frightening here with Noel flashing an unnerving, unnoticed smile but then immediately goes back to 'idiot' for no apparent reason. And Rose doesn't notice at all. Brilliant, brilliant Rose...
Silly wrestling and silly music and silly screaming as it's played for laughs again.
Nice TARDIS reveal.
First properly decent Doctorish moment in the TARDIS as Eccles stops jamming and mugging and shouting for a second.
First appearance of 'stupid ape' meme.
"Lots of planets have a north!"
Anti plastic - something you can get away with precisely once (or not - see also Boomtown, TEOTW, The Parting of the Ways in this season alone).
Ecclestone quintuple take on the London Eye doesn't come off at all due to poor scripting and poor direction - and then we're back running through treacle with Murray Gold - terrible music that sounds like an off cast from the Vic and Bob reboot of Randall and Hopkirk while we see more running on a bridge.
Nestene HQ
All Auton/Nestene things that are interesting (plastic comes to life, automata, facsimiles) are dealt with in throw away comment.
The Nestene Consciousness is a vat of liquid that can talk -apparently, as none of the sounds it makes could be recognised as speech - that is 'terrified' of TARDISes and parlays with other races via the articles of a galactic constitution. What next? Sutekh at the UN?
Weird one-sided conversation that is meaningless without knowledge of story arc and gibberish as we can't understand from the Nestene.
Auton invasion
Back to dreary Jackie who survives about ten thousand autons not shooting her for some reason - bad direction.
Autons break out and promptly... shoot out the back of a minicab, numerous plant pots and a fat bloke. Curiously unthreatening. The fan/Levine cipher is killed off. Hmm.
The action of the Auton invasion is conveyed through a cameraman having a fit. Eventually Jackie gets her cue, having stood still for about a minute looking confused, while people are gunned down by walking shop-window dummies, and runs away screaming - having spent the last 40 seconds looking like she's trying to solve a particularly hard puzzle.
A scene that last for three hours where Jackie is menaced by bride Autons, the Doctor does nothing, Micky establishes just how useless he is and Rose - for the first time among billlons of subsequent times - saves the day by swinging on a chain. Awful, leaden direction.
A scene that could have been great shows a couple of twitching Autons. The sum of the Auton invasion includes a backlit double decker, two tiny fires and some rubbish. That's even less impressive than hijacking a bus.
"You were rubbish" - that's the Doctor firmly emasculated for the next three years.
The end bit
"Work and food and sleep" - yes, we get it.
Micky mugs like a twat.
Weird slomo final shot.
Conclusion
Moffat said he puts in scares for the kids and jokes for the adults, but RTD never seemed to bother with scares. Everything in Rose says 'jokes for kids, different jokes for adults'. It left me feeling completely cold.
Here's something I read recently from Moffatt's 2011 series press launch, which sums up how I feel about Doctor Who.
"You put the jokes in for the adults, and you make it scary to appeal to children. They absolutely rank the best Doctor Who episodes in order of frighteningness."
Indeed.
Caves
Fast
Eccleston does OK with some shonky stuff
Confident start for Billie
Twins
Everything else
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The Prisoner: Arrival
I've long loved The Prisoner, as any good fanboy should. But I've always avoided dipping into it, realising a while ago that I found it hard to piece it together in the way that I would Doctor Who or Blakes' 7 or even more demanding sci-fi shows like Babylon 5 or Star Trek Deep Space Nine.
Quite some time ago I realised that when I rewatched The Prisoner it would be on my own terms - not a half-watched episode on ITV3 here or there or a load of episodes in one go on Sky Plus. No, I'd watch them on DVD when I was ready to watch them and digest them thoroughly and take them in. I intended to watch them again on learning of the death of the great Patrick McGoohan, but had not managed to get around to it.
Upon receiving a good box-set for my birthday I undertook to rewatch the whole series, start to end, one episode at a time and detail my thoughts. It was all relatively fresh in my mind. Sure there was the town and Portmeirion and the imagery and the jacket and Number 2 and - at the centre of it all - McGoohan's peculiar performance. But what was the reality? More to the point, was it any good or would there be that sinking feeling of recognising that indulgence of a favoured but limited programme?
What follows is what I make of The Prisoner; 40-odd years on surely the most bizarre mainstream programme to ever hit UK television screens while keeping such a fond place in the hearts of so many TV viewers, whether cult fans or not.
Arrival
It seems to be a case of received wisdom that the genesis of The Prisoner begins in Danger Man. Certainly off-screen that seems to be the case, but there's nothing to tie it explicitly to the former programme. A man has an argument with his superiors, hands in his resignation and is overpowered by sources unknown. When he awakes he finds himself in a stylised version of an English country village on the seaside. And that's it. It's as much as we learn in this opening episode; though there are clues as to the nature of his captors they are ambiguous and seem deliberately confusing.
What is noticeable is the Prisoner's reaction to his imprisonment. Barring his initial bemusement he wastes no time in pursuing freedom or, failing that, answers. He cares not for comfort, shows little interest in details not relevant to his ultimate goal, expends no energy or thought to nothing not central to his escape and is bloody-minded in pursuit of freedom.
His growing frustration is palpable, and we share his unease and growing angst at his inability to escape the confines of the village. Even his captors seem to recognise that he is likely to pose a singular challenge.
What do they want? Where is this place? Who are they? None of it matters, nor will it ever, we sense. Imprisonment is the only reality, no matter how pleasant or comfortable. Escape is the only matter at hand, no matter what means.
The Prisoner is the ultimate economy of storytelling. He wants to escape. That is the only narrative; that is his only concern. For a TV landscape of oddballs and eccentrics whose intellect, swagger and curiosity are paramount – The Doctor, Steed, Adam Adamant, Jason King, Simon Templar - this is shocking in its starkness and simplicity.
Six may be urbane, intelligent, resourceful and well-mannered, but not of it matters while he is trapped in the village; against the effortless power of Number Two or the mindless, unknowable inescapability of the Rover. Only his physicality, his cunning matter here and may prove to be of some use to him.
Alas, they are not. There's a real tension in sensing Number Six's growing angst at the prospect of being trapped in the village; a desperation borne of horror at the closing walls of this most delightful, most gentle of prisons.
Skillful direction and a quite startling performance from McGoohan make The Prisoner so powerful, but so too do the resolute normality of everyone else involved. This is their reality; it's normal for them. But what the hell is this place?
The question is nagging, gnawing. Will we tune in next week, seeking the same answers Number Six strives for? Certainly we will. Because everyone's a little trapped, a little confined, a little panicky that they recognise the physical and metaphysical limitations of their reality. Our own are not marked with mountains and sea, but they may as well be.