Incomprehensible talking Cyberman
I received a talking Earthshock-era Cyberman from a mate a few years ago, and very good it is too. If you're looking at it. If you want to listen to it you're in for a shock.
Because while the talking Cyberman is supposed to have four phrases - "Emotion is a weakness" and "Excellent!" are the only ones I can remember - they all sound exactly the same. Which is to say the all sound like "schhh, tschhhhhh, shhhh, tshhh, tschhhchshchhh".
It's utterly hopeless at talking. But it still sounds better than the new Cyberman.
Caves and Twins: A Christmas Carol
Moffat's first Christmas offering didn't break traditional, in that it couldn't have been more Christmassy is Smith had wished all the viewers at home a merry Christmas at the end of it.
I always half expected Tennant to do that at the climax of one of RTD's interminable Christmas assaults on the nation's gag reflexes, but the announcement of the latest episode's title as A Christmas Carol put paid to any ideas that the focus may simply be on the story, rather than a festive element.
Did it work? I'm not sure, but I didn't dislike it the way I did all of RTD's. So, was it The Runaway Bride or was it the Chimes of Midnight?
Caves
Nice to see the regulars back, and the story really suited Smith's Doctor.
Visuals - Lovely, imaginative set design and visual FX of the kind that have really moved the feel of the series of since the end of Tennant and RTD
Gambon - Always good, but I wondered if Patrick Stewart may have been even better.
Dialogue - It really pays to listen carefully to the Eleventh Doctor's lines, which always jump off the page. Moffat's dialogue in Smith's mouth makes for a winning combination.
Christmas Carol - As a framing device it paid off, if a little awkwardly.
The trailer - Moffat could really have sat back and followed the RTD pattern established over the previous few years, but he seems determined to do something very different with the series. The trailer seemed to confirm that, and it looked thrilling.
Psychic paper - Shorted out by the Doctor's claim to be a responsible, mature adult.
Marrying Marilyn - A bit throwaway, but it was nice to see the Doctor at a 50s California pool party. The series rarely does justice to the anywhere, anytime' potential and it's always nice to see it employed.
Twins
Shark-drawn sleigh - It's Christmas, Doctor Who is whacky. We get it.
Kathryn Jenkins - She was fine, but the singing grated and it seemed really crowbarred into the story to me
Christmas indulgence - A hell of a lot seemed to happen in this episode, and I couldn't really be bothered to figure out that singing, weather, fish stuff. It felt a tad over-egged, and tough to digest in one sitting as a result.
Altogether the most intriguing and rewarding Christmas episode – albeit not one I'd care to rewatch very often – but I hope Moffat has the balls to write a Christmas episode that's not absolutely drenched in Yuletide cliches next year.
• Caves and Twins? What are you dribbling on about?
Go here: Caves and Twins
Caves and Twins: The Stolen Earth and Journey’s End
Showing RTD knocking one out for 90 minutes may have been slightly less indulgent than The Stolen Earth and the second parter, which is no doubt called the Impossible Everything Apocalypse or something (I checked, it's called Journey's End).
By this time the new series was feeling very tired, and a crying out for a new broom. But RTD had other ideas. One last big wank. Until The End of Time.
Caves
Cribbins - Brilliant as always, his webcam line is the highlight of the first episode
Julian Bleach - Davros is a real success in this. Lunatic, screaming mania – but done with real conviction
Jack - When not playing some sort of weary, ageless, lonely but stupidly horny demi-God, Jack is an enjoyable character played with evident relish by Barrowman.
Dalek invasion - A few of the invasion scenes were quite good, certainly considering how weak the New Series had previously done the Earth invasion stuff.
Donna - Tate surprised me by how good she was, when she's not being written as a complete shouty twat.
Twins
The Daleks - Totally neutered by now, the Daleks in the new series have been a case of diminishing returns. Every appearance seems to be bigger and more outlandish than before; with the result that the only feeling they inspire now is apathy.
Regeneration tease - Perhaps the fourth, fifth or sixth time someone was about to die in the series and then just... didn't. Talk about writing yourself into a corner; the worst thing was no-one in their right mind believed it in the first place. Also sets up the ridiculous two Doctors, then three Doctors, then Donna dies (but doesn't) drivel later on.
The gates of Elysium...the Nightmare Child... - Oh do fuck off. All of this drivel is genuinely hard to listen to, especially when it's always delivered with Tennant's tight-lipped spittle-drenched shouting.
Rose - Rose's long-suspected but little-desired return is a predictably tedious, self-absorbed affair, but it's really not helped by Piper's quite weird, lisping appearance.
Sarah-Jane - Seems out-of-place and quite annoying here. Lis Sladen's frightened acting is just awful. Only her very brief dialogue with Davros makes any sense.
Harriet Jones - Who gives a fuck?
Close up of man saying 'Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war - Utter shit
Dalek Caan - Embarrassing
Martha - Pains me to say as it, as she's rarely helped by scripts, but Freema has one of her weaker episodes, and it shows her up alongside the others.
Jackie - I'd've preferred it if Bruno Langley had come back.
Murray Gold - terrible, terrible, terrible
An absolute car crash. It's totally incoherent; at no stage does it make even the remotest sense; fan-wank is piled on in such proportions that even fan-fic authors would baulk.
There's some kind of weird 'you know it's wrong' pleasure to seeing such a hodge-podge play out on screen, with everything imaginable thrown at the wall. Jelly, cream, chocolate, jam, vodka, Red Bull and heroin – but mainly cheese.
A very few crumbs stick, but if this wasn't evidence that RTD had run out of juice by now, I don't know what was.
• Caves and Twins? What are you dribbling on about?
Go here: Caves and Twins